What Did You Expect, that people would understand what it's like being a single father raising kids on your own. And it is important to feel understood and not judged by those who are closest to you. Because each day as if unfolds is not a reflection of who you are, but it certainly feels like it on some days. So how do we walk through each day with abundance, praise, and competency.
From the studios of Marra Entertainment This is Father, Sons and Friends on the Marra Entertainment Network alongside my wacky crew here. Great team. Right here, alongside with you. I'm your host, Rob Giumarra Father, Sons and Friends is brought to you by good friends at. Maybe we can get an alcohol sponsor. How about that? A tequila sponsor would be great for this show. I know, right? That'd be great. Good job, Rob, also brought to you by good friends at Marra Entertainment, who reminds you to check out this and the other great podcast on the Marra Entertainment Network and MarraEntertainment.com. Follow Like and add us on Instagram Threads Twitter, TikTok, and at MarraENT. That's MARRAENT is our handle. Follow and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Say What's up, y'all? Episode 2 here father, sons and friends and you know, following up from our previous episode. You know, I kind of want to know what did you expect? What did you expect? Did you think that people would understand what it's like being a single father raising kids on your own? Why? Why would you think that? I know why. It's the same reason I did. And that reason being simply. Um. I just wanted to. Think that someone cared about me. Or someone was going to. Maybe give me a little pity party. You know. I don't know. I don't know why. Did you expect they would understand? Did you think that people understand what it's like to be a single father raising kids on your own? Do you know anybody like that? I know. I certainly didn't. Yep, exactly. Exactly. You know, instead of trying to justify their why? Or why they don't understand you. Live your now. And what I mean by that is. You don't know what they're thinking. And probably what might be triggered are certain emotions and feelings like loneliness and. And this And this. Maybe you're scared, so you get angry. You know, anger is a secondary emotion. The first emotion is what's underneath it. It's the root of it. And that's what you got to come into contact with. You're not going to do any deep soul searching on this episode. Not going to happen. But you got to understand there is a. Why? And sometimes the madness of why you react and how you react and what you're thinking is, is tied to a lot of things that are going to take time to uncover, as they did with me. I. Took the time to. Do some work on myself. As a man. Post the custody battle? Divorce. A constancy of moving upheaval. Instability not being able to create the type of environment I wanted to do to protect and provide. You you're trying really hard to do the right thing. And man, there's nothing wrong with that. And what people don't understand is men. Men who are designed to protect and provide. Men who want to do the right thing. Especially as a single father. You are trying to do your best to protect and provide for them. All the while. You get a glimpse of something. That says you can do this and you can thrive and you don't have to survive. You don't have to live off of the. Post-traumatic stress of the situation that you're coming out of or what you're going through. You don't have to be in survival mode. I literally lived in. Fight or flight for 12 years. And never took a break. Never pulled the Never press the brake. I would go faster. I would go slower. I would just. I went through a myriad of things. And it takes its toll on you. That's why in our previous episode we talked about having three writer die friends. Those are important. So instead of trying to justify their why, understand, give them the grace to know that they're humans if they've never done this before. How could you expect them to have the answers you need for your situation? But you don't owe them. You don't owe those people who truly love you an explanation for anything. So, you live here now? And that when I say live your now, this is not an excuse. OK, let me just put this out there. It's not an excuse for you to bag every woman you can. Nut every chick you see. Or. Go on top of these. Go into these social media platforms, these dating platforms, and bang every chick you see. Let's just be honest. I told you this was going to be a candid and honest conversation. So, I'm not pulling anything back. And um. I'm certainly not pulling anything out of this. OK, alright. I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. That was too easy. That was too easy. I get it. I get it. I get it. Alright, alright, alright. Enough, guys. Enough. Not funny. OK, so. Alright, alright. We got jokes this here. So, you don't owe them. You don't owe the people who truly love you an explanation. You have three rider dies. They know you. They can appreciate you for who you are, what you are. OK, they can ask. People can ask. But you can choose when and what you want to answer. You could choose who you want to answer, when you want to answer what you want to answer. That includes your family, your church, friends. That includes your coworkers, anybody and everybody. They don't need to know. They don't need to know. And you can politely tell them to mind your business. Analysts said they've been in the same situation. They won't understand you anyway. They wanted to stay in the decisions you make in fight or flight mode in this in this situation, and some of which will not be the best ones. That's OK. Here's the thing to keep in mind. How it affects us as men, in part, is determined how we frame it. And it's either in faith or doubt. Faith to believe in a positive outcome, doubt to see it in a negative outcome, not working out. But here's the thing. Either or is working for you. Yep. And that. That's not some Bible verse that I just pulled out that even though it is in the Bible. It is states that one of the promises of God is that he uses all good things to work for those. He works all good things for those who love him. He works all of those things out for you. It doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be. It's good. Doesn't feel good. Doesn't smell good. Doesn't taste good. Doesn't look good at all. But there's a good that works its way through it in you and through you. And if you. Have the courage and the faith to hold on to that. It's going to be painful. It's going to suck. But. It works out. It does. How it affects us, how we frame it. And that's why you need your three Rider Die friends. Because sometimes you just need to tell them this sucks. I'm scared. I hate this. I don't like this. I feel lonely or whatever. You just need to cry. All good. All good. So, make sure you got your ride or dies. Make sure you stay in touch with them. OK. Expect people to be human in their response, how they react, because they're not God. They're not. They're not. Expect people to be human. Even your three rider dies. That's why it's important for you to have a therapist. Because that weight needs to be. You have to learn to use discretion as to who you can put this on and when. And. You can't use it as an excuse to say, oh, I didn't want to say anything because I knew you were going through this. Well then, that gives you an opportunity to show up for them. That gives you an opportunity to show up for someone. And you might be surprised at what the outcome is for you. When I've been in situations like that and I showed up for someone and they had no idea what was going on in my life. It gave me an escape to do something good. Than to be sitting there trying to. Flirt with some chicken banger that night. I told you I'm going to give it to you right there, straight. Or going on some social media account and trying to flirt with somebody Or, you know, trying to cozy up with this chick or that chick and trying to get with this one and that one. Man, it's a shallow pool to swim in. And your kids don't benefit from it. Oftentimes it creates. A lot more things. That you don't want to see, and you will you invite more things in than you should. I'll just say that. Um. And then you put unfair expectations on people that they weren't never meant to carry because they're not God. Choose how you want to respond, though not what you feel. Give yourself a time now. I had to learn this late through a. I give credit to the. Doctor Paul Hagstrom wrote a great series of books. And he developed this program called Life Skills International. That's from life. It's Life Skills International. But he developed this program where he helps men and women kind of identify. You know, they're past the traumas, the things that we've experienced that we've gone through as children. And basically, what it amounts to is. A. Give it to you this way. It gives you an opportunity to really uncover the layers of why you, why you respond the way you do, and understanding how deep those wounds go. And the depth, and I don't have much time for that in this episode, but we can explore that in future episodes. Um. But really, it's we've all experienced some level of trauma, some more serious than others. You know. And that affects you. And as a man. You know, little boys, you grew up to be men, but you're still little boys inside. As you're trapped, you're trapped in that. From when that trauma occurred, you never really got right. Something was never right. It may not be your fault. But as a man? As a grown man. It is your responsibility. Let me let me write this in a sharpie for you. It is your responsibility. So, you can choose how you want to respond. And you can choose not what you feel, meaning reacting to that. Give yourself a time out. And it's as simple as saying you know what? I need to step away from this conversation for a second. And I need to take a break. And that's even with your kids. So, you know what? I'm giving myself a timeout. They were like. And depending on the rage, you don't know. Give yourself a chance to cry. Cry and cry and cry some more. Dude, I'm telling you, there are some ways in which you cry that are healing and they they're it's proven. There are tears of pain and tears of healing. And those tears are healing are kind of usually those times where you have those kind of epiphanies, those spiritual epiphanies, those things in life where you realize. And one of those times for me was. You know, I realized what an honor it was to be a dad, and I literally wrote a letter to all three of my sons. And I wrote to them, you know, thank you for letting me be your dad. Because it was an honor and it still is. You're just crazy as they drive me. Some of the **** they do drives me nuts. And some of the stuff I do does the same. They can't understand it. They're like, well, dad, why can't you do this? Or why? Why are you doing that? Or why did this happen? Sometimes you don't have an explanation for that. And you have to be OK with that. And they may not understand it, but they have to. They'll know soon enough they don't have the benefit of being a father. They're still teenagers, they're still young men, they're still growing into maturity, they're still growing and learning different things about the world. Got to give him a chance. All right. O. Quick recap on this. You don't have to justify. They are. Why you just got to live here now. You don't owe the people who love you an explanation. They can ask you choose where they answer. Unless they've been in the same situation, how would you expect them to understand it? What a decisions you have to make. And how you frame it, faith or doubt. Faith or doubt? Words is so important, I learned that later in life. The words you speak. The words you say. Bibles literally gives you some principles and practice things you can do practically. The power of the tongue brings life and death. If you hear a heavy puffing, that's Mookie. He's a pit bull mix. Dude, you have. Oh my gosh. Anyway. You're three right or die friends. Your therapists so important. You need those people. You know, don't discount your therapist. And if you feel like you're not getting anywhere. Get someone else. That's all. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but you got to do it. And those sessions are what they're there for. And if you feel like you're getting. Railroaded or. They're not honoring your feelings and your thoughts. Then change it. And be wary of people who clothe themselves as quote UN quote Christian counselors I'm a man who loves God. And I love. Serving and. Love. Reading my Bible and learning different things. But not all church folk know what they're talking about. And sometimes they'll over spiritualize something that just needs a simple answer. I need food on the table. Well, brother, if you're shut up, I don't want to hear that. You know my lights about to get shut up. Well, if you know, if you ask. If you ask the Lord and shut up. Well, you know, you having a hard time finding the job. Maybe you need to look inside and maybe there's something you're doing. What? What are you talking about? Don't bring that nonsense here. You can keep that ****. Too many folks out there will justify their existence or their relationship with God by trying to over spiritualize your real issues. Sorry. You got to. Unfortunately, you got to discover that for yourself and you got to know real quick, not that there aren't some good people out there. Who happened to be counselors who are Christian. That's one thing. But being a Christian doesn't qualify them as being a good counselor. I'm a Christian, but you would never let me fly a plane, would you? Nope. I couldn't even Captain Sully. That damn thing in the in the river, if we'd be like there'd be no survivors. We'd be all up in you know, the Pearly gates, and you'll be mad at me. Even like, oh, I thought that dude. No. Hmm. That's why you here anyway. Give yourself a day, A day each week. Doing what you want to do. Be hunting. Go fishing. Play some golf. Um. Maybe you're not in a financial position where you can do that. Figure out what you can do and do that. And that's important. Because you need that as a guy. You can't. You again, you can't minimize the weight of what you're carrying because you are designed to protect and provide, and there are going to be moments where you're not going to be able to do one or the other or both. And that's going to suck. And you're going to want to beat your fist into the wall. You're going to cry. You're going to be angry. You are going to rip. You are ready to rip sheetrock with your with your fingernails off. It's hard. It's not going to be easy. But give yourself a day each week doing what you want to do, because you are in constant service to those children from this point forward for the rest of your life. That is never going to be a change, whether she's there or she's not. The reason why you have custody of them. In large part. It's because she wasn't there. And she had no intention of showing up. So that's important to know. Therefore. What do you got to do? Well. Remember when I started out the title of this episode? What did you expect? What did you expect? It's going to be messy. You are you are a man. So having a carnal inclination to want to sleep with a woman, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that feeling. Now. What you do with it from that point forward, it depends on your relationship with God. I can only speak to my own situation where. Every woman I slept with. It was just an indication of how broken I was as a man. And it was. More about me getting my needs met than me looking to. Be in a relationship? Really. And when things didn't go as I wanted them to, where I couldn't manipulate or control it. Call it what you want, fellas. Call it what you want. But I must speak the truth. You react like a petulant 5-year-old. You can. Sit there and throw your little temper tantrum. You know, you can say whatever you want. But it's up to you. It is entirely up to you to decide. That's the power you have. Because you have the power. To create an environment. An atmosphere. And this is what I want to touch on. Financial stability is going to bring you peace, stability, security. It's going to give you all the things you need. And those are important for your kids. Having a regular routine with dinner, as I talked about in the previous episode. You know, vacations, weekends away camping, little things that you can start to set the. You can start the process of rebuilding your lives. You can't wash away what happened? But you can make tomorrow better. And then the next day. And I'm going to give. Dwayne the Rock Johnson Some love here because I caught this on a Instagram post. Instead of saying one day. Flip it. Day One. Day One. They want becomes day 2. Day 2 becomes day three. There's a compound effect to doing things consistently. It's a great book called The Compound Effect. Check it out, it's a good one. Of course, I mentioned Rachel. Barbara's book. Um relentless joy. To create block really is. It is a tremendous book and I. You know, hope to get her on one of our podcasts on it that work. So do those things create financial stability? Could be borrowing against the life insurance policy. Could be taking your existing mortgage, taking a home equity line of credit and buying a piece of property so you can have some residual income coming in. Maybe selling your place and buying a multifamily unit and moving in there and then having your. You know, having the income come from there. You know, having a backyard and all those things are great. If you can afford it, if you can do that, that's great. But if you can't, you're not any less of a man for not being able to do it. Most important thing here to do is to protect and provide for them. And that's hard enough as it is. That is hard enough as it is. And if you didn't grow up with those tools, if you didn't grow up with that mindset, if you didn't have that example for yourself, even from your father, even if you didn't learn that. You've got a responsibility to teach yourself. Educate yourself. We'll have more episodes about that later on down the road and in future episodes. You want to create an atmosphere of abundance? Praise competence. Abundance Why? Because if you operate in the opposite of that, which is lack. It's a lie. It is. And it's a lie that's designed that you've either told yourself. Someone else has told you. Directly or indirectly. So create an atmosphere of abundance. Meditations Often a good thing, Doctor. Doctor Joe Dispenser does a great. Um, meditative practice? Check out his books. And all this stuff. Again, check your local library. There's an abundance of books and resources that are there that you can look up. Some of the things I mentioned are available. We can get them on. For digital downloads for free through your local library. Praise, praise your kids every day. Every morning, Every night. Write them a letter like I did. You know. And it could be random. It doesn't have to be their birthday or Christmas or whatever. Write them a letter just letting you know what an honor it is to be their dad and why. And be honest in the letter. Competence. You're more than what you realize. And nothing happens by coincidence. And. If the creator of this universe God himself. Thought any less of you? You wouldn't be in that position. He loved those kids enough to give them you. Hear me when I tell you. He loves those kids enough. To make sure that you were there, Father. Give yourself some time. To take that in. Wash, rinse, repeat that in your head, in your thoughts. So important, so important to do that. So. You know, we talked about a lot in these past two episodes between. What did you expect? And in the beginning. Last episode. Really. Three things that are going to always remain constant. And I'm always going to come back to these things. Your ride or die. Thank you, Rachel Barbeau. It's my queen. She's great. Yeah. My God, you got to read that book. Relentless Joy. Check it out. What did you expect? Let people be who they are. Your rider dies. Shouldn't really change. And you should know who your rider dies are. If you don't. You'll find them. Maybe start with one. You know. Create that stability that you need. However you need to do that, but do it sensibly. Don't do it where you're coming in as a W2 income earner and you're getting taxed up the wazoo. There's plenty of resources and accesses to opportunity where you can build wealth little by little and increments and you don't have to get taxed. And is more things you can learn about that and. You know financial strategies. Whole life insurance policies. You can cash and borrow against mortgages where you can get little or as little as 3% or 0. You can get there's different loan programs out there. That it is designed to. To give you. What you need? I had to fly. Literally a fly hit me in the forehead. I don't know how it got in anyway. And then, you know, create that atmosphere of abundance, praise and competence. Create the atmosphere of abundance. Do it responsibly, but create it. You can do it by simply creating memories of vacation here. A trip to the ice cream shop, then just creating that element within there that's so important. Praise give you, give them praise. Praise them, Love them. Especially boys, fathers to sons, so important. Fathers to daughters so important. They're different in their relationship and their dynamics. As you as they get older, you realize, and some of you already know that in the audience. You know what that's like. Competence You can do this. You are more than capable. Because if God. Love those children enough. And he does. He gave them you as a dad. He gave you that opportunity. He gave them the opportunity for you to be their daddy. Take that. Why is your Rinse repeat with that? Alright, well that'll put a wrap on this episode of Father's Sons and Friends, of course. Brought to you by our good friends at oh, we need the tequila sponsor. I have a sign here that says tonight's wine tasting as being rescheduled to right now. We need a wine sponsor. Let's get some liquor sponsors. Not so we can get sloshed, no. That's not what I'm saying. Just let's get some real sponsors in here. Maybe some tequila would be great. I'd love that. Maybe we get Rd. B&H, I don't know. We're going to have to, we're going to see what these guys you know, B&H Photo brings us all of our equipment, no matter where you are. It's why I shop would be an age because they have great customer service in store over the phone. You can check them out B&H. Photo as well. And of course RODE Equipment. I mean, they make the best stuff that's out there for all of my needs. I between B&H and RODE and I get everything and all of what I need. And of course, buy your good friends here at Marra Entertainment who remind you to check out this and other great podcasts on the Marra Entertainment Network. MarraEntertainment.com Follow like and add us on Instagram Threads, Twitter and TikTok. Hit that button. At MarraENT. Follow and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, of course. And for the entire team here at Marra Entertainment Hey Rob Giumarra, we'll see you sometime in the soon time again on Father's Sons and Friends.