In The Beginning, as you start this journey as a single father there is no book, course, or experience that can prepare you for what's next. This episode, Rob shares what he would tell his younger self prior to the life changing events that led to him becoming a single father and raising 3 boys on his own. But what is important is how we perceive it. Because how we perceive our circumstances determines whether it's working for us or against us. Rob shares intimate details that helped him navigate the process and the experiences that shaped his journey.
From the studios of Marra Entertainment, this is Fathers, Sons, and Friends on the Marra Entertainment Network. Rob Giumarra, your host here, alongside with our great crew behind the scenes at Marra Entertainment Fathers, Sons, and Friends is brought to you by our good friends. At Oh, we'll find a sponsor. I'm sure somewhere down the road we'll get somebody to sponsor this program. How could we not? This is great, but all of our great equipment was purchased by the great folks of Mary Entertainment. Of course, but we got our gear from bearing each photo, so maybe we can get a little love there from those guys. B&H Photo in New York City, the one stop shop for everything you need, all your equipment needs. Why else would you go anywhere else? B&H, that's where I go. And of course, some great equipment. That we got from Rd. The folks at Rd. make some of the best equipment out there on the market, so check them out as well. And of course, brought to you by a good friend here at Marra Entertainment. Remind you to check this and the other great podcast on the Marra Entertainment network at MarraEntertainment.com. Where you can follow like and add us on Instagram, Threads, Twitter, Tik Tok and it's all our at our handle at MARRAENT that's our handle MarraEnt. I like saying that that will never get old. And of course, you can follow and subscribe wherever you get your podcast, so. And you know with that I just want to kind of you know set the tone for this program so this this show in and of itself was. Very much intended to be the first episode was really to have. A couple of friends, my sons involved, but I wanted to lay the groundwork for what this program is going to be about and kind of introduce myself to you as the audience and share a little bit about my story. And really this is a this is a podcast that's designed to inform, to enlighten to. Make life better, but also to give you hope. You know, give you a reason to. Maybe find new life or find the energy to live for another day. Some things, you just never know how they're going to affect people. You know, there's a purpose and a plan which I believe God is kind of put in my path and I can only speak for myself. And I will. I will do it unapologetically. I don't care about your thoughts on religion or what religion. That's not my concern. I'm going to speak what I speak, say what I say and mean what I mean. But if you're beginning this journey. As a single father. Whether you unfortunately came to some unfortunate situation in life where you? Your lover. Girlfriend. Your wife, fiance, whatever. Has passed away. I emphasize with you. Maybe your wife or your girlfriend walked out on you. And the kid? Maybe she's got some mental health issues or? Some real. Really bad demons as far as drug addiction. I emphasize. Maybe you were out of the picture and had to step in and step up. Either way. You're not going to get a round of applause. Because as men, that's what you're supposed to do. OK, it doesn't mean that. You don't need to be validated or heard. But that's what you're supposed to do as a man. You're supposed to step up. You're supposed to protect and provide. To the best of your ability. And sometimes in the beginning as you start this journey like I was. About 13 years ago. With three boys of my own. And the circumstances of which? I'll share in future episodes. But for right now I want to keep the focus on. Helping you understand that I get it. I was there 13 years ago myself. Right smack dab in the middle of it. And., I had to make decisions within a 72-hour window. I was working for a Fortune 500 company. For which I will not mention because one, they don't deserve it, and two, I have such a disdain for them. Because. Some of the same laws that are in effect now. Protecting your rights as a man? We're not in effect back then. And I didn't get the support from management. I didn't get it from the union representation. And I certainly wasn't going to get much empathy or sense of it from my coworkers. And not that you really want that. Um, and you don't want that? And I really didn't get much empathy from. Many of my church friends, people I thought who? Because we were united in our faith. And our convictions. That I would. Have some semblance of or expressed empathy Now my relationship with my. Wife at the time had begun deteriorating for quite some time. And it became apparent that. You know, she didn't want to reconcile things. And I had to contend with that, but I had to make some strong decisions because the one thing I had to do as a man was, I had the first thing I had to do. Was I had to ask myself a question? Was I going to allow myself to continue to be in a relationship where? I was going to be verbally abused, Physically abused. Um, mentally, you know. The mental part of it was kind of easy. The physical part of it was a challenge. Um, the verbal part of it was the words, the words, or the cutting part. But you know that. That withstanding? There were things that I didn't have the opportunity or the support. Um, that I would have liked. And I think there's a larger community of men. That while those resources are more available to you now through. Through certain laws like FMLA. There are certain programs and people we identify with as men. As a as examples. That we can look to and draw inspiration from. But in the beginning, as you start this journey as a single father, here's some things I would tell my younger self. And these are things that I've picked up along the way, and there's more things I'll share. In future episodes, but for right now I want to keep it real simple for you. So, if you're starting this journey on. If you're on this journey. And you're starting this as a single father. One thing I want you to know is you're not alone. And what should I identify three ride or die friends? Three Rider Die friends. I'll explain more later, but it's in a book. That I started reading and I'm almost finished with is by Rachel Baribeau. And it's called Relentless Joy. So, if you get a chance, go check it out on Amazon, Apple. Um, books. It's all over the place. It's a great book. It will definitely make you weep up a little bit. Get a little weepy. But she points this out Three Rider Die friends, and I'll tell you why later. The most the other thing I would say is get your bag, Get your bag. Your ability to provide is your greatest way to protect your children and yourself. So, get your bag. Your ability to provide gives you protection for yourself and for your children. That's what you got to have. And the last thing is, you've got to have faith. I have learned through my own personal walk with God. That it's never clean easy. Right, wrong. Done perfect in any way. That's me. For you it might be different. But in the process of the layers of. Going through a traumatic event. I then began to unravel and uncover a lot of things that were going on inside of me prior to that. That as a man that I had never dealt with. Because I didn't recognize what they were. And sometimes I couldn't even make sense of the madness myself because I didn't know why I was doing certain things, why I was. What things were built into me? What things were said about me? Those are things you have to uncover, but it takes faith to walk through that. Courageously and with a great deal of. Grace and mercy for yourself and as a man, that's not something we're going to give ourselves. We're not going to give ourselves those little pat on the back. We're just going to grind it out and that that has its own set of consequences. So, so we'll come back to that that Rider Die thing. You need three of them. So. As we're going along here and as you're listening to this. Think of three people, OK? Alright, so with that. There's the. And how do I identify these people? What's next? What's next for me? I think that the most important thing I would tell my younger self is. Make sure you and your kids are safe. And what I mean by that is make sure that you're in a safe environment. Not just. Within the four walls. But if you're amongst family, if you're with a friend. If you're. In a particular neighborhood. That's what you got to identify. You've got to put them in the greatest environment possible where you can protect them. And sometimes, it's not always with family. It's not what your church friends. It's not what you're. Or was my dad used to like to call him church mongers? Sometimes it's not always with the people you think are your friends or your buddies, your homies. So, you have to identify what's next in that situation. You have to identify what's next with your job. How do you secure that bag? Remember, your ability to provide is your greatest way to protect you and your children right now. OK. We're not going to get into the legalities. Of that, we'll do that for future episodes. But these are the things that you can do right now. Number two, and more important, be transparent with your children. Be vulnerable. There's a difference between being transparent and vulnerable. OK. With your children? Use discretion, of course. And with your three rider die friends. You can ask them for advice, but it's OK if you don't take their advice. Again, you can ask for advice. You don't necessarily have to take it. It's information that you're trying to gather right now, in this moment. That's incredible. OK. And use discretion. At the time of which? Miller My life started to turn upside down. I had. Children who were between the ages of three boys 5. 7:00 and 9:00 or I think it was 68 and 10 I think at the time. And that was hard. Because I was. Still trying to give their mother the grace and dignity. Of remembering that she's still their mother at the end of the day, regardless of what our what my misgivings might be about her or my petty issues might be. It doesn't give me the right to discredit her as their mother. And more importantly. The attitude and the things I say in exhibit. Even in my thoughts. Are so important. To hold on to. And to make sure I take hold of them. And that's for future discussion, but basically what it is, is. You know your words, you know. Your words. Bible says give life and death and they do. So, you got to be careful. Get a therapist. Licensed social worker, Psychiatrist, psychologist, whomever. Get somebody you're comfortable talking to. In an environment where you could be vulnerable and honest and not feel criticized. Too many of us go into situations where you go into marriage counseling or for counseling for yourself independently as a with the marriage counselor, and oftentimes it's a beat-up session. There's no real resolution. There's no, there's no practical principles to walk away from even times amongst. Christian counselors. so-called Christian counselors. It becomes a. You get demonized. And it's not really dealing with the root of the issues in the relationship, but for yourself, knowing you're in this newfound position. If that is the response you get from your congregation and from your church leadership, you are in the wrong place of worship, let me tell you again. If that's the way that the leadership within your congregation decides to. Demonize you for a situation regardless. Ah, get out. Because if you show me, you show you show me that. I'll show you every example of where Jesus sat with prostitutes, taxpayers, and the like. The scum of the earth, and yet and yet before he died. Forgave someone. And. Didn't say anything about. Forgave the guy right there. Moments before he died. So, if he can do it. The people who love you the most will do it. Now you want to identify your three. You got to identify your three rider dies. Because. Which you understand. Is you'll start to say things like, well, you know, I'm OK, you know, and then you know, no, no, but, but. And when the butts start coming. It's trouble. And here's why. Because you will. Instead of identifying. You'll start lying to yourself. Maybe that the situation isn't as bad as it is. Don't lie to yourself. Start with yourself. The trauma is real. Don't lie to yourself and don't lie to your children. Don't do it. Just don't do it. Again, use discretion and get wise counsel. Get counsel. Get people who are involved who have the best interests of your kids. And sometimes that's not always your family. It's not your in laws, It's not your ex in laws. It's not your homies. It's not her friends, it's not your girlfriends. It's not your work friends. Hmm. You have to identify who those people are. OK. And those are oftentimes the people that will let you say what you want to say. Won't judge you for saying it. And won't. Won't allow you, won't give you the ear to say it, with the idea that in return that you're going to pay it off. Now you got to identify resources that you'll need. And Rachel Baribeau identifies this Those were three Rider Die friends. OK. And those you don't? Identify this, those you don't. And I'm going to get into this because this is you. This is an agitation with me. But there are three Rider Die friends. Here's why. And you're starting out in this journey. You don't know what to expect. Life is unfolding right before your eyes, moment to moment. And you might, you might go into, you might be suffering from PTSD from the relationship, like I was. You might not have an honest assessment of what's really going on around you. You might be in fight or flight mode. You're just looking to protect your kids and yourself. Because now that wall of trust is broken. You don't know who to trust. You're kind of just thrown into the situation. You're trying to do things that you weren't equipped for. Things you weren't good at in the first place and taking on a role that you would never intended to have as a man. As a man. Women nurture. And care for the home, they create a home. Men provide and protect. That's what's that's what's in our DNA. So identify the sources you will the resources you will need. Those were three rider died friends come in handy when. When things aren't going great. When you've lost your job. Maybe you're facing eviction for the second or third time. Whatever, you've got to move. You've got family who are? Perpetrating ideas and saying things behind your back. And. I've heard some stories of. People's family members trying to. Elicit them to put their kids in foster care so they could take care of them. Instead of finding a solution to give them an opportunity. To keep them together. I've heard of situations like that. And it's absolutely crazy. You never stand in the way of a mother being a mother and a father being a father unless they're going to harm their children in some way physically. If you're going to be the support, somebody support them. Ask them. Advice that's unwanted or given is verbal abuse. Because you're telling that person what they should and shouldn't do. And as my one of my youngest sons sometimes likes to say, did I ask? Did I ask? So, no. All right, Those you don't need. You don't need churchy friends who are going to judge you based on and whip out the Bible and give you a Bible scripture every time you come to talk to them. Or when you go to a Christian council to try to minimize it and over spiritualize your situation. Here's what's real. Rent needs to get paid. You need to keep lights on and food on the table. You need to have a car to drive. You need to be able to get to and from. You need to have clean clothes. You need to have some semblance of dignity. You need an income. OK, you need support. Don't run to social services. That is a business that is designed to keep people poor. And I will discourage any man. Except for maybe certain social programs like heap. No. Because it's a game that's designed to keep you poor and, in the system, and you waste more time trying to get services than you can by working hours, extra hours. So, you're better off doing that. Your finances are your greatest asset for you. Your greatest weapon against. In times of trouble. And for peace, the short game. In the long game you want to play that your short game is you want to identify what you have. Know where your finances are at, get an honest assessment and start making smart decisions now. If you're not good with that stuff, that's OK. But what I would tell my younger self is find someone who is within your three ride or die friends. And ask them to help you. And literally open your mouth and say I am not good at this. I don't manage money well. I have done this, this and this and I need to change it. The stupid thing would be. To repeat the same mistakes over and over again. So, you're playing the short game and the long game at the same time? And there are certain things you can do. You know, there are some immediate things you can do. One of them are managing your identifying your assets and your liabilities right away. Your car. Your house you're living in. Those aren't assets, those are liabilities. Because they have no way of producing income for you. When things get tight or you're trying to switch or you *** **** off. Figure out a way to take your life insurance policy. And create it. Make it an asset. So, you can borrow against it. Your house? Make it an asset. Find a way to either sell it and purchase a property where you can rent and then have a residual income coming in somehow some way. You know. Maybe splitting the house up in in terms of a rental situation and you know, if you have the ability to do that then that's fine. Finding mortgage programs to restructure your mortgage, you know you’re as far as being able to refinance it, you know maybe taking some equity out on the property itself and then using that as an asset to do something else. Those are just different things you can do if you're in that position if you're not. Again, I'll go back to what I said earlier, get your bag, your ability to provide as your greatest way to protect you and your children. So, you've got to do that. OK. So, we've gone through a couple of things here. But the most important thing before we start to wrap things up here are this. Three ride or die friends. Do you have it written down? Who are they? They could be male, female. They just got to be ride or die. Meaning you can tell them anything, cry with them. Yellen Scream. You can. Toss **** around if you have to in the house. You know because you're so mad. You can tell them I can't do this. You can cry with them. You can reach out to them for help. And here's why. This journey gets hard. And if you're just at the beginning of it, you have no idea what's about to come ahead of you. Now. Your boy Rob here. I've had the experience of going through. And it's not easy. And I wish. I had someone in my position to tell me, however. It's worked for me and here's why. Because now I get to help you. And that kind of gives me a purpose in life. It doesn't fix the damage that was caused in my relationship with my sons. It doesn't fix the things that I need to work on as a man or continually work on and evolve. And some of the things I need to that keep coming back that I have to work on. Things I need to address as my sons get older, as they begin to journey into. Being husbands and fathers. Um, those things. So, it's super important that. That you have those three ride or die cause you're going to need them. Be transparent with your children. Be vulnerable. Use discretion. So important. Super important. You know. Don't be afraid to tell them you're having a hard day. You don't want to check out on them, but sometimes you just need to let them know I'm here, but I just need a moment cause I'm having a hard day. And if they see you cry, let them see you cry. Is that wrong with that? Who says real men don't cry?********. Sorry Lord, forgive me, but I get sick and tired of it. Jesus cried. He wept. I saw y'all need to know. Finances. So important. Protect yourself and your children. It doesn't necessarily mean that the. Legal costs and everything else down the road aren't going to affect that. But the sooner you can get your bag and give yourself some protection, that means, you know, having a life insurance policy you can borrow against mortgages that mortgage programs that allow you to maybe facilitate. Taking out equity in your home and then purchasing a. You know a multi-use purpose or you know a small apartment, You know building a multi multifamily unit do that. Because it's so important, so that you have the opportunity to create, You're starting to create wealth even in the midst of trouble. And it's possible you just got to do it the right way. So. You will be OK though. You'll be OK. It won't be perfect. You don't have to. And you will thrive again. There is hope. And every day you get a chance to wake up as another opportunity closer. To creating a better. Life for your kids? Fight for your kids. Who you expose them to? Family, Church friends, Other women? I made the mistake of early on going into bed with. Several women. And justified it by. You know, saying I just wanted to have a relationship instead I. You know. I didn't teach my kids the right thing. Wasn't the right way to handle it. And I'm certainly not proud of it. I'm certainly not proud of the people I use to get what I want as a man. And I'm certainly not proud of. The people I heard along the way by doing that. Because I didn't really deal with the things I needed to deal with. So I kept masking itself in a relationship where I could hide. And then that would burn out. Establish strong routines your faith. Going to church? You don't have to teach Sunday school. You just got to be present. It's all God wants you to do is show up. Dinner. So important after school, weekends, vacations, A little, a little, a little. You time as well. Doesn't hurt. Get your ride or die friends. I'm Take a look at the kids, Watch over the kids, Give yourself an hour or two, go enjoy the game somewhere or go somewhere, do something yourself. We'll do with some friends you trust. That's all. So important. Alright, that's episode one. Who. That was a lot, huh? You didn't expect that, did you? So, but I'm happy you joined us because it's super important that you know that you're not alone in this process. And that. We're here with you. We're here with you, myself, the crew at Marra Entertainment. My sons, their friends, their dads. We're in this together, guys. We're in this together. Just remember that, OK? And if nothing else, you'll know that, hey. We're right here with you. We're just a click away right there. OK, so don't forget, keep us locked in as well right here on the Merritt Entertainment Network. OK, well, this episode of Father, Sons, and Friends are brought to you by our good friends at My goodness. We're going to need some sponsors. Can we get some sponsors? For crying out loud. OK. Let's get to work. Let's get to working on that. Alright? It was brought to you by good friends here at Marra Entertainment of course, who of course want to remind you to check this out and other great podcasts on the Maranta Comment network at maraentertainment.com. Don't forget to like and add us and follow. On Instagram threads Twitter and TikTok. At MARAENT, follow and subscribe wherever you get your podcast for the entire team. Here at Marra Entertainment, I'm Rob Giumarra. We'll see you again on Father's Sons and Friends.